in search of nothing
a brief thought dump on thanksgiving
A year ago, I was in my first transitory phase as an adult. I had a job lined up, all I had to do was wait. I had all of the time in the world, but nothing to do. I could walk somewhere and take my sweet time, listening to the rhythm of my steps. I woke up, tried to force myself to be productive, only to listen within and find an irresistible desire to be an absolute potato.
And the best part was that it’s okay to be an absolute potato in transition. I spent most of my days playing video games, hanging out with friends, learning about East Asian history, and drinking coffee. My soul felt fed. I was ready for my next adventure, but not eager.
Then, the last few months were busy. The good kind. But this Thanksgiving weekend was the perfect excuse to stop being busy. Something I learned doing judo as a kid is that if the other person is pushing, then you don’t only win by pushing harder—you can also win by pulling. What’s interesting is that maximizing occasionally involves going the complete opposite way. This Thanksgiving weekend, I got my parents to watch Squid Games and if you remember the tug of wars scene, a weaker team was able to pull harder and win by momentarily letting go. My parents are enthralled by Squid Games. My dad’s a hard one to please with media—it’s either a watch or a quick snooze.
It’s been over a year since I’ve been home in Montréal. I forgot how European the restaurants felt and how unpleasant the Quebec accent is. I also forgot how it felt to sleep in not because of avoidance for what comes next, but because of sleep’s powerful inertia.
I’ve noticed that afternoons are my least favorite times of the day. It’s late enough to have polluted context from the morning, but too early for a meaningful conversation over late night tea. Snacking in the afternoon is risky business: too much and dinner is ruined, too little and you’ll need another trip to the kitchen. This past weekend, I looked at my calendar, empty of social obligations, and invited nothingness for a bit.
Its’s only a short breath of fresh air, but for a swimmer, that’s all they need for a second underwater journey. Christmas is also around the corner, but so are end of year social celebrations. They’re fun, crazy, memorable. But they’re all something. A non-stop stream of somethings. Maybe an upcoming lack of nothing.
This weekend was about doing nothing. Just some good ol’ quality time with nothing to do, nothing planned. A dessert in the form of a hearty poutine after dinner. A spontaneous evening binge of Squid Games with my parents, watching my mom grip a pillow tightly and my dad fall asleep right before the climax of the episode. It’s been refreshing.
Belatedly wishing you all your personalized form of a breath of fresh air over Thanksgiving. You deserve it.
